As a late teen, I had an unrealistic view of the world where I would actually ignore things that got too real. I made a fantasy place for myself to avoid emotion and the unfavorable pieces of daily life. Of course this wasn't the healthiest, and came crashing down by the time I was 21... Whenever I had a moment of tension, I would be so angry with the person I was in conflict with for bursting my perfect bubble world. But really, I see now that it was always a form of self protection. A gentle soul. I'm not a crier per se, but I do break when too many things are happening at once around me on top of being a bit reclusive.
In a relatively brief conversation yesterday, a good friend made an interesting observation. When she gets busy with life and work, she just straight up stops contacting people. Not that she doesn't want to see folks, but she wishes she would reach out more. I think everybody suffers from that, but the two of us are very similar in that we're both so guilty. Personally I thrive on alone time, but there does come a point where alone is too alone!
I've had a lot of drastic mood swings the past few months, I feel off-balance. So many ups and downs over what seems so little upon reflection. I've seen so many beautiful moments, and hours later feel absolutely devastated. Maybe these are the times that alone is too alone. I keep my thoughts to myself so as to not be a burden on others (or so I think) but maybe these are the times to ask a friend to dinner vs feeling the absolute devastation I'll roll around in my own head.
The river is a place of euphoria. Yesterday we made it out on a nearly 90° day, perfect for the cold chill of the water. Looking around our own private slice of paradise, there were no airplanes, there were no cars. It was just us, water, trees, and mountains! This spot that is so disconnected, yet completely connected to the people you're there with.